I sit here with trembling fingers. Hesitant to type. Panicky as I contemplate how to even begin. You know my story well - the beginning, ending, and all the dramatic actions in between - and yet I'm afraid. The inner voices whisper "Don't. It's too risky. You'd be a fool. Keep quiet." And what they say makes sense to me. After all, I've lived with this secret for most of my life. It's been safely tucked away, hidden beneath layer upon layer of rationalization and justification. Bricked-up and securely walled away, even beyond the all-seeing eyes of my own consciousness. But not yours.
Deep within this stronghold, this secret has successfully influenced and manipulated my thoughts, emotions, motivations, and behaviors most of my life. Like some movie-like, top-secret government agency, it has effectively pulled the strings and controlled my life. But you already knew this. The problem is, I didn't even realize it.
Recently, you helped me remember.
It's not even as if I could forget. I mean, how can one forget that? But, as you well know, I kinda did. I surgically disassociated my feelings, I hit the delete button on my thoughts, and I detached any meaning to it. Essentially, I disempowered the powerful. I turned it off. Closed the door and locked it.
Or so I thought. But my experiences have a way of seeping through the smallest crack and then jumping out in front of me as I round the corner.
[Big, deep breath]
I confess (my secret) to you. The One who already knew and loved me just the same. The One who patiently waited for me to finally get to a place where I was able to see and let you in.
[Long, slow sigh]
I write these words as I wade through deep waters of varying emotions. There's anger and pain, shame and guilt . . . sadness . . . alongside freedom and acceptance, relief and forgiveness . . . and yes, even joy. I feel them all at the same time. Nevertheless, I retain some resemblance of steadiness as I stand on solid ground.
I am profoundly saddened. Yes. This wound, which started physically, but quickly slashed my soul with razor-edged precision, I've allowed to putrefy and become septic. It's coursed through the veins of my existence unrestrained, and rendered me . . . well, worthless - I'm finally able to voice language to describe how I've felt most of my life. These feelings of worthlessness have left me impuissant [im 'not' + puissant 'powerful']. So, yes, I am profoundly sad.
Be that as it may . . .
I am also sincerely joy-filled. How can I describe the feeling of breathing with deep satisfaction for the first time? It's as if this living thing - it's weighted presence - plunked itself on my chest and I'd become accustomed to the wheezing and gasping for air . . . and then . . . You . . . Mercy reached down and lifted the heaviness.
[Deep, satisfying breath . . . Long, holy sigh]
Now I can breathe as I was made to - free and unencumbered. Oh Father, if only I'd have known sooner . . . as I've begun to inhale and exhale with uninhibited impunity . . . as I've gotten a mouthful of life, flowing by Grace . . . my one and only desire is to inhale - deep and satisfying - as I've allowed Your Sacred Life to permeate every dark corner. The places where the stench of rot and decay have long lived, are now heavy with the sweet fragrance of the Rose of Sharon and the Lily of the Valley.
I'm just now grasping by faith that as Your Spirit penetrates the depths of my soul, the odor of worthlessness wanes and You exchange it with the aroma of worth. I am valuable, because I am Yours. The lie that I am impuissant, You have substituted with the truth that Your power lives mightily within me. I am puissant = having great power!
I am not whole, or healed - and thank You for sending me to a gifted therapist who specializes in the pain that comes with my secret - but I am on my way toward wholeness and healing.
However, I am free. Free from the secret I've carried like a sack of boulders on my back my entire life. I've been rescued from this prison by The Only One who has the power to unshackle the chained . . . untie the bound . . . and liberate the captive - YOU.
I am free. I am worthy. I am powerful . . .
. . . And most of all, I am thankful. Thankful to The One who reached down and set me free.
To you Father, I express my most profound gratitude. Thank you.
I love you,